Well, once again I have made my own life more difficult.
Before we talk about that: I gave the clothes to Mr. X's friend and had a little chat with him. I tried to stay smiley and pleasant to talk to. I did not say any shit or be sad. You would of never guessed that I was giving back my ex boyfriend's stuff. I wrote a note in it. It just said "If you think that anything is missing let me know. Have fun in LA!" and then I simply signed it. I think that it is nice and accepting of the break up. Except for the fact that I kept one of the shirts. I really wanted to keep this purple one because it is the first shirt that he let me borrow in the morning after sleeping together so it has sentimental value. Unfortunately, he has this shirt with him so i settled for one of his really soft gray shirts. I think that it might of been better that I kept one that wasn't so sentimental. I also have a few of his sweatshirts, but he let me have them because they were too small on him so I am going to keep them. I am also keeping a huge graphic design picture he did when he was a junior. I did not even know him then and I only took it from him because I think it looks cool. Trust me, it is better to have it than to have a huge sad empty area on my wall. I took down pictures of him though, which I think is good. Late tonight he facebook inboxed me "Thank you for giving my friend my stuff". I said "Welcome". It is the only time we have talked since we have broken up.
Now for the bad: I then went out to lunch with an old friend from high school. We were talking about ex boyfriends and I told her about this iphone application that I have. It won't let me drunk dial anyone I put on a list (of course I put Mr. X and then the other ex boyfriend I saw a few days ago, we will call him Mr. Y). I wanted to demonstrate what would happen if you try to call the person on the block list, and what do you know, the application wasn't working. Yes, it called Mr. Y. No he did not answer his phone, thank god, but instead texted me verbatum "Hey whatssssup! Im in class right now".... Really?.... Could my life be anymore ironic? No. It couldn't. Mr. Y, who broke up with me even though I was madly in love with him, wants to hang out now. O great. I texted him back about how I called cause I didn't store whose number it was. He hasn't texted back since but I have a sick feeling that he is going to call me this weekend... O joy.
Advice: I find that keeping busy after you have a break up is good. I was in the darkroom (photography) at school for 3 hours today doing work. That is the most consistent time I have ever spent on school work. Tommorow I have a long day of classes and more homework. I have no time to think anymore and be sad, but I've gotta admit, the mornings are the worst...
I mourn in the mornings. It makes me believe that the reason people sleep in the same bed when they are married is so that they have someone to wake up next to. There is never a time that a person feels more alone than the morning. You wake up from a sad dream; you are sad. You wake up from a happy dream; your real life is not as exciting as the dream and so it makes you sad. It is a lose lose situation. I have found that it is best to go take a shower and then leave your house immediatly. Come back right after if you want so that you can watch tv or eat breakfast, but just leaving and getting a fresh start is nice.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Day Four
I had school. Did I mention that I take a psychology of marriage class? It sucks to have to define love when you have just been broken up with, but it especially sucks to have to go to class and discuss break ups when you have just been broken up with. I learned that it is hopeless to fantasize about getting back together with your ex, in my case, Mr. X, and that it will take at least 6 weeks for me to go through the grieving process.
The Grieving Process:
1. Denial: you try to bribe and persuade the person to get back together with you
2. Grief: you cry and cry and cry
3. Anger: you say mean things about them to your friends
4. Forgiveness: you finally let go and move on
I would like to think that I had finished with denial the day that I told him that I did not want to see him for 3 months, opposed to seeing him this upcoming weekend. I would also like to think that even though I am grieving a bit, that I have jumped to a mixture of grief and forgiveness and bypassed anger all together. I do not want to talk shit about Mr. X because I truly do want to have him back in my life as a friend or whatever at some point. What I especially did not like about the lecture was when she told us that after the grieving process (which is supposed to last 6 weeks, a bit longer than the 3 months until I see him), we will probably never become friends. That made me sad, and I hope that she is not right about that. Hopefully, after I finish the grieving process in 5 1/2 more weeks, I will be ready to see him as just a friend.
What I like least about breaking up is giving the stuff back. I had to call Mr. X's friend who goes to school near me to talk about giving him Mr. X's tshirts that I used to sleep in (I have like 15). It was a very awkward conversation to say the least, but I tried to sound upbeat and happy. It will be wierd to have to give him those things tommorow. Is it completely horrible if I spray them with my perfume that I ALWAYS wear? Doesn't matter, I am going to do it anyways. I don't know if I should write a note or anything. Before tonight's class, I definatly would have, but now I feel that I should move on, and that writing a note would be being in denial. I think that it was good that I called his friend before he could call me about it; it shows that I am considerate and listening to what he said when he told me he wanted to break up. That is right, for the first time, Girl is listening to other people, opposed to doing whatever she wants. I am very proud of myself.
The Grieving Process:
1. Denial: you try to bribe and persuade the person to get back together with you
2. Grief: you cry and cry and cry
3. Anger: you say mean things about them to your friends
4. Forgiveness: you finally let go and move on
I would like to think that I had finished with denial the day that I told him that I did not want to see him for 3 months, opposed to seeing him this upcoming weekend. I would also like to think that even though I am grieving a bit, that I have jumped to a mixture of grief and forgiveness and bypassed anger all together. I do not want to talk shit about Mr. X because I truly do want to have him back in my life as a friend or whatever at some point. What I especially did not like about the lecture was when she told us that after the grieving process (which is supposed to last 6 weeks, a bit longer than the 3 months until I see him), we will probably never become friends. That made me sad, and I hope that she is not right about that. Hopefully, after I finish the grieving process in 5 1/2 more weeks, I will be ready to see him as just a friend.
What I like least about breaking up is giving the stuff back. I had to call Mr. X's friend who goes to school near me to talk about giving him Mr. X's tshirts that I used to sleep in (I have like 15). It was a very awkward conversation to say the least, but I tried to sound upbeat and happy. It will be wierd to have to give him those things tommorow. Is it completely horrible if I spray them with my perfume that I ALWAYS wear? Doesn't matter, I am going to do it anyways. I don't know if I should write a note or anything. Before tonight's class, I definatly would have, but now I feel that I should move on, and that writing a note would be being in denial. I think that it was good that I called his friend before he could call me about it; it shows that I am considerate and listening to what he said when he told me he wanted to break up. That is right, for the first time, Girl is listening to other people, opposed to doing whatever she wants. I am very proud of myself.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Day Three
Third day of being single. It is getting old.
My mother came to visit me for a movie and dinner. During the movie I spontaneously had the urge to cry at random silly young love moments. So much for improvement. It doesn't help that every night I have a dream about him. Last night I had sextuplets with him, weird I know. Went to another party tonight and hung out with a guy that I had casually hookedup with a year ago (before Mr. X was Mr. My Boy). We stayed close friends afterward and are still good friends now, thanks to my stealth in pretending that he doesn't drunkenly attempt to booty call me most nights. I don't answer; we don't talk about it. It is weird to think that he might of ended up being my boyfriend if things had gone differently. Needless to say, I prefer him as a friend. He is much more fun as a flirty distraction with no strings (or lips) attached.
I have decided that I rather look, not touch, attractive guys... for the time being.
My mother came to visit me for a movie and dinner. During the movie I spontaneously had the urge to cry at random silly young love moments. So much for improvement. It doesn't help that every night I have a dream about him. Last night I had sextuplets with him, weird I know. Went to another party tonight and hung out with a guy that I had casually hookedup with a year ago (before Mr. X was Mr. My Boy). We stayed close friends afterward and are still good friends now, thanks to my stealth in pretending that he doesn't drunkenly attempt to booty call me most nights. I don't answer; we don't talk about it. It is weird to think that he might of ended up being my boyfriend if things had gone differently. Needless to say, I prefer him as a friend. He is much more fun as a flirty distraction with no strings (or lips) attached.
I have decided that I rather look, not touch, attractive guys... for the time being.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Day One and Day Two
So I just have been broken up with by the man who I am in love with. Now I didn't get broken up with because there was a lack of love, or even a disagreement. I got broken up with because the new middle life crisis age is 23. Since we also live far apart and haven't seen eachother in a month, we have decided to break up and get together for a dinner in 3 months. Until then, I am without boyfriend and best friend, and will have to brave it out on my own.
First night out as a single lady
Advice: When being broken up with a girl might have the urge to try a new drug that she hasn't done in a year. While it sounds like a good idea and very Sex and the City "this day will instead be known as the day that i got arrested for smoking a doobie", it is not. Instead of feeling more relaxed or party happy by choice of drug that will remain nameless, I freaked out and believed that I might be on the verge of an overdose. (I am an idiot). I then thought that it would be a brilliant idea to text my symptoms to my ex, now going to be refered to as "Mr. X" (very arrested development). I then an hour later came to my senses and texted him that I was fine and sorry for bothering him. Needless to say, Mr. X never called or texted back. Probably was a bad idea to text him that I was doing too many drugs on the night of our breakup.
Second night out as a single lady
I was feeling really out of it after the possible overdose, but I had promised a friend that I would go to his birthday party which was at a club that he and his roomate rented out. I decided to just throw on some clothes and go with my roomate last second, only to keep up with friendships. I thought, "O okay, I will just got for an hour get a picture or two taken to show I was there and just leave". I was so wrong. I get to the party and go to the VIP section upstairs and get a drink. I start talking to my friends that were there and then all the sudden out of the corner of my eye I see an old ex boyfriend. Before Mr. X, this ex boyfriend was THE ex boyfriend. We dated two years ago and really hadn't talked since. He had broken my heart, and as revenge whenever I would get drunk I would tell people who knew him that he was bad in the sac (he was, so at least it wasnt a lie). Some of the people I had told this to were even at the party with him. My knees literally started to shake. To my horror when up in the VIP section he walked past me and made eye contact. I thought "O okay I will just say 'Hi' and then he will leave". Nope. He stayed to talk with me FOREVER. He was acting all nervous and strange. It was kind of nice to see him all tense because it made me alot more calm. He kept asking if I liked to party. It was wierd and I really didn't put together what he meant until later. He got my number, said a string of odd things, and I am now completely mind fucked. Figured out later that he was asking me if I wanted to do coke with him, which I didnt, but he successfully ended the evening by saying that it was wierd that he wouldnt see me for months... Um then why ask for my number? The whole night just made me miss Mr. X more and made me realize that I do not want to see him in two years and have him ask me for coke. Why God why must the second day of single life include a visit from the ex boyfriend who I havent seen in two years? Ridiculous.
First night out as a single lady
Advice: When being broken up with a girl might have the urge to try a new drug that she hasn't done in a year. While it sounds like a good idea and very Sex and the City "this day will instead be known as the day that i got arrested for smoking a doobie", it is not. Instead of feeling more relaxed or party happy by choice of drug that will remain nameless, I freaked out and believed that I might be on the verge of an overdose. (I am an idiot). I then thought that it would be a brilliant idea to text my symptoms to my ex, now going to be refered to as "Mr. X" (very arrested development). I then an hour later came to my senses and texted him that I was fine and sorry for bothering him. Needless to say, Mr. X never called or texted back. Probably was a bad idea to text him that I was doing too many drugs on the night of our breakup.
Second night out as a single lady
I was feeling really out of it after the possible overdose, but I had promised a friend that I would go to his birthday party which was at a club that he and his roomate rented out. I decided to just throw on some clothes and go with my roomate last second, only to keep up with friendships. I thought, "O okay, I will just got for an hour get a picture or two taken to show I was there and just leave". I was so wrong. I get to the party and go to the VIP section upstairs and get a drink. I start talking to my friends that were there and then all the sudden out of the corner of my eye I see an old ex boyfriend. Before Mr. X, this ex boyfriend was THE ex boyfriend. We dated two years ago and really hadn't talked since. He had broken my heart, and as revenge whenever I would get drunk I would tell people who knew him that he was bad in the sac (he was, so at least it wasnt a lie). Some of the people I had told this to were even at the party with him. My knees literally started to shake. To my horror when up in the VIP section he walked past me and made eye contact. I thought "O okay I will just say 'Hi' and then he will leave". Nope. He stayed to talk with me FOREVER. He was acting all nervous and strange. It was kind of nice to see him all tense because it made me alot more calm. He kept asking if I liked to party. It was wierd and I really didn't put together what he meant until later. He got my number, said a string of odd things, and I am now completely mind fucked. Figured out later that he was asking me if I wanted to do coke with him, which I didnt, but he successfully ended the evening by saying that it was wierd that he wouldnt see me for months... Um then why ask for my number? The whole night just made me miss Mr. X more and made me realize that I do not want to see him in two years and have him ask me for coke. Why God why must the second day of single life include a visit from the ex boyfriend who I havent seen in two years? Ridiculous.
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