no more days. i am no longer counting days.

Current Books: I was just home, and whenever I am home I read "Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging" before I go to sleep.

Current Playlist: mostly mac dre at the moment since my friend made me a cd of him

Current Guilty Pleasure: looking at a picture of the guy I recently hooked up with and watching the scene in episode 6 of vampire diaries when damon dances on his balcony (muy sexy)

Current Color: red, always red because it is saucy... like me

Current Drink: green tea and emergen-c to stay awake... mickeys and beer is forever. but mostly I drink tons of water

Current Food: I still dont eat much nowadays, but I will always love pasta da vinci from the cheese cake factory... it is delicious... o and i am discovering how delicious gourmet mac and cheese can be, since i never used to order it as a kid because of the fear of it being like cafeteria mac and cheese (yuck)

Current Favorite Show:  vampire diaries, bored to death...

Current Wishlist:To have a great year, to continue to be happier than i have ever been, and to spend more time with the people I love... oooo and to do well in all of my classes

Current Needs: someone hott to cuddle with, energy to do all of my school work, to organize my closet

Current Triumphs: being the happiest I have ever been, that I can remember... and fitting back into my jeans that I wore when I was 15

Current Bane Of My Existence: disorganization

Current Celebrity Crush: the brothers on the vampire diaries

Current Indulgence: drinking too much, smoking and watching trashy tv

Current Blessing: great friends, great family, and great memories

Current Slang: dude, gnarly... I am 20, I use alot of slang without knowing it... cause im in my cool years like that

Current Outfit: I finally dont wear the same thing everyday anymore... but i do still wear alot of jeans or a high waisted mini

Current Excitement: tommorow... in general... everyday recently has been so amazing

Current Mood: happy and super hopeful... minus the cramps i was dying with

Day Sixteen

I've been studying for my midterms for perhaps 1/4th of the day and the other 3/4ths have been devoted to discovering The Vampire Diaries. The two brothers in it are gorgeous. Why aren't there guys that look like that running around my school?

Day Fourteen and Day Fifteen

Day Fourteen

I do not even know how to start. In the beginning of the day, I was just thinking about some fond memories that I had with Mr. X. I had resolved that I would not call him until my feelings for him as my boyfriend had subsided, and I believe that they have. I just truthfully don't want this friendship to go to waste so I thought "fuck it" and called him. Of course he didn't answer, but instead texted me back, which made it SOOOO akward. Instead of being able to show through my tone that I was doing great on my own, I had to be interpreted through texting. His text to me was even "what's up?". I didn't even get a "hey". I texted back that I was just checking to see how he was, and he said "Good how are u?". I just said "good", and it was over. Exactly the opposite of what I wanted to happen. Obviously he is just going to be immature, and I need to come to terms with the fact that he might not ever want to be friends. I am working on that, but it is hard.

That night I went to a bar and saw Barfly of course. I somehow ended up sleeping in the same bed as him and having a steamy hookup. Of course he had to ruin it though. He kept saying "you amaze me". What specifically amazes you about me? Seriously, he barely knows me. I kept trying to get him to shut up, but he just wouldnt! Drove me crazy. I finally was just like "we can't do this anymore", but he wouldnt get the picture so I finally had to kick him off my side of the bed. He then told me that he would never stop hitting on me. UGH! I just know how to pick them.

Day Fifteen

I tutored little children today, as I do twice a week every week. I then went and drank mad margaritas and passed out. My life is too fun!

Day Thirteen

I had a pretty hectic morning. One of my tires was low. I tried to be all awesome woman who can fix her own shit... but it's just not me. I needed a guy friend to help me, which didn't really work so I had to get a guy from the station to help me. It is very strange, I talk like a guy, I pretty much act alot like a guy (at least I dont look like a guy), but I can't really take care of myself. Maybe that is my problem. I think that it comes from my dad really always being the man of the house. Don't get me wrong, my mother is a fiesty independent lady, but when it came to being the bread winner or fixing things around the house, my dad was always the man for the job. He never complained or bitched about how women should be doing things too, which is something I actually really admire in him. I am sorry if this is a bit sexist, but I think men should be gentlemen. I want a guy I can count on, a guy I could count on. I don't want to be yelled at for being too weak (a Mr. X trait). I want a man that wants to take care of me.

Is is totally lame that I am really excited for my date with  the older guy from home? I can't help it. From what I remember, he is super cute and it will be the first real date I have been on in months. I am super lame, but at least I am super optimistic :).

"You know, every time you interrupt someone your penis gets a little shorter." American Dad!

Day Twelve

This is what I am going to be for halloween.

I literally only did my laundry and watched law and order svu all day. I didn't have class, but now I have to wake up super early to fix my tire and then I have to develop film within an hour period. I really needed some sleep after the past few days.

My friend wanted me to come up with unique ideas for a bday she's throwing for her boyfriend. These are my ideas:

Fish party: everyone dresses like a fish and for decoration put up cutouts of fish and bubbles and perhaps have some blue balloons
Rainbow party: everyone dresses in one color that is on the rainbow
Eski-hoes and eski-bros: think big puffy jackets on top and mini skirts on bottom
Jonas brother party: boys, come as a Jonas brother while girls come as one of their many love interests
Underwear party: self explanatory
Teeth party: dress in all white (aka a tooth) with perhaps some spots of black plaque
Alcohol party: come as your favorite alcohol... with your favorite alcohol
Letter party: come as a letter and as a fun game try to spell out words together when you are drunk
Chicken pox party: dress in polka dots and draw them on your face
Body paint party: bring one color each and then paint each other throughout the drunk night... could be a bit messy so must happen outside
Twilight party: team Edward or team Jacob, you decide
Threesome party: three dress matching
Kings cup party: come as one of the cards, number or face card and then when you attack people they have to do the rule of your costume... people would get drunk fast

I think that there are enough options there. I hope she uses one because that would be sick.

I think that I am going to take the advice of one of my friends and take a bubble bath and drink some wine, but first I must clean my room. Seriously my room is bothering me it is so messy. It is not my fault though that I got broken up with right after I had the flu. That's 2 messes in 1.

I am going to have a quote everyday now because there are so many good ones floating around in the world.

"What's my favorite word?! BITCH!" Blow the Whistle by Too $hort

Day Eleven

Ive added new songs.

The girls by Calvin Harris
Blow the whistle by Too $hort
Off that by Jay-z and Drake
My moon my man by Boys noize remix

Last night I just wanted to drink a bit and a half so I went to my friends house and got a Mickeys. Mickeys is my jam except for the fact that it was really my jam when I weighed 140lbs. Now that I weigh 119lbs, not so much my jam. It was a little much. I am pretty sure I went and passed out in an open bed without saying anything to anyone. Haha. I also ate a whole cheeseburger and shake. Ugh makes me wanna puke just thinking about it. In the morning I walked out of the house and did a faux walk of shame infront of parents driving their kids to school... oops. What a great role model.

I think the anger is over. I changed my fb relationship to single finally, and I deleted a quote that I had from him on my about me. Welcome to forgiveness. YAY ME!

Is it horrible if I had SOS by the Jonas Brothers to my playlist... probably. I will just listen to it in secret :).

Day Ten

I am too tired to go to ballet class today. I am just going to ask how I can make it up. I am instead working on the music I am going to put in my car.

On to the next one by Jay-Z and Swiss Beats
Meet me halfway by the Black Eyed Peas
Egypt, Egypt by Egyptian Lover
Boi! by Young Problemz and Mike Jones
Faded by Souldecision
Let me ride by Dr. Dre
Everything, everyday, everywhere by Fabolous
Tik tok by Ke$ha
Empire state of mind by Jay-Z and Alicia keys
Fresh by 6 Tre G
The reeling by Passion Pit
Sally, that girl by Gucci Crew
All I have by Jennifer Lopez and LL Cool J
Starstruck by 3Oh!3
Southern hospitality by Ludacris
Ugh Ugh Ugh by Juicy J
Fear by Drake
Becky by Plies
Different Girls by Nu Jerzey Devil
Still not a player by Joe/Big Pun
Freak-a-holic by Egyptian Lover
Radar by Britney Spears

I went to a friend's house last night and watched the movie Camille. It is a really good movie, but kind of hard to explain. In one scene of the movie you can just tell that the couple is really in love and it is quite sad and touching. I started almost shaking crying which was a bit embaressing. I just hope that some day a guy will love me that much. I think that I am going to substitute love in life with love in movies. The love in movies is just so much more beautiful and everlasting.

Mr. X is in the same city as I am at the moment. He lives like 6 hours away, but he is back to pick up stuff at his friend's house. Awkward.

I wish my closest friends lived closer. If they did I swear that I would practically be living in their room.

I've lost 2 more lbs. Let me just chart out for you my weight loss. I am pretty small boned, but tall (5'7' 1/2''). When I was younger I used to weight about 110 lbs. I was made fun of alot for it and told that I was ugly cause I was too bony so when I got a bit older I ate whether or not I was hungry, constantly. I then got to 130 lbs. Freshman year of college I went down to 120 lbs, but gained it back after I got mono. Then when I met Mr. X and fell in love I ate everything, constantly. I would literally eat animal fries as a snack (if you dont know what that is look it up) everyday after we had sex. I was so in love and he was such a big boy (6'3'', 200 lbs) that I ate myself to 140 lbs. When he moved away at the end of the school year I decided that I was going to become fit if it killed me so I worked out like crazy. I got all the way to 125 lbs within 3 months. I'm pretty proud of myself for that because I seriously earned it. Now within the past two weeks I have lost 6 more lbs. I don't work out anymore and I don't think that I am just losing muscle. The jeans I bought a few weeks ago are falling off of me. It is seriously just because I can't bear to eat. I am eating just to survive at this point. I am not going to lie, even though it sucks to not be able to stomach any food whatsoever, it is kind of comforting to know that I am more fit looking than Mr. X for the first time probably ever. I am at the age when all of my friends are dieting or working out and obsessing about weight so they have asked me what I have been doing to lose so much weight. I've been on the breakup diet. How does the breakup diet work you ask? STEP 1: fall madly in love with someone, STEP 2: have them break your heart, STEP 3: fit back into your skinny jeans or even be too skinny for your skinny jeans. I am now at 119 lbs, a weight that I wish I had accomplished with hard work and excersize, but accomplished instead by having a broken heart. At least now I don't get as depressed when I go shopping; this weight loss is eating up my credit card.

Day Nine

I got drunk again. How different for a Saturday night. I partied at one of my friend's house and then somehow ended up at the house of the guy that I kissed at the bar. We will call him Barfly. Barfly and I watched movies until about 6 am. I then proceeded to fall asleep on his shoulder. A few hours later he woke me up and we slept side by side on his couch. We never kissed or did anything sexual. All we did was PG spoon and the most risque it got was that he put his hand on my stomach. Right in the middle of it too, not up top and not near south of the border. It was nice just to lay with someone and then to wake up to someone who wanted to sleep next to me. At the end, Mr. X didn't want to go to sleep next to me. He didn't want to hold me close and find comfort in our bodies touching. It was a huge sign that I pretended not to notice. In the beginning of our relationship he would pull me as close as possible and then in the end he rather sleep on the floor than sleep in the bed with me. It was just nice to be wanted for the first time in months. It is just so sad that I was dating someone who didn't find it necessary to lay next to me.

That night Barfly and I also played pool against each other, and you know what? He knocked my ball in if I came close, he gave me more turns, and he tried to coach me. Have I been dating a barbarian or aren't guys supposed to be competitive and try to beat you when you are playing a game against each other? It was sweet. I love how now the littlest things are impressive to me.

I always find it so strange when you go to sleep and your dream actually opens your eyes to a truth in your life. In my dream I was in the airport because Mr. X said he was going to come and visit me. I was looking and looking for him there and he called me hours later saying that he didn't feel like coming to visit me so he didn't get on the plane. It is kind of true to the end of our relationship. He never wanted to plan to see me. I was the last person that he took into consideration. Wow, when did that change? When did he go from wanting to be with me all the time to being annoyed by me calling him? I just never saw the transition and now I really wish that I had.

I don't want to portray Mr. X as a bad person because he is not. I also don't want to make excuses for him, but our relationship was both of our responsibility. I should of taken responsibility for my own relationship and my own life. The fact that it took me another man to want to cuddle with me to see the way my own life was flawed just shows that I was so out of touch with reality.

I think they call this growing up.

Speaking of growing up, I am obsessed with WEtv. At this moment I am watching Bridezillas and these bitches are crazy. She gets so angry at her fiance that she farts on him. Really? She is getting married and I am getting dumped. This woman is crazy. She talks like a baby and makes her wedding party go easter egg hunting. BAT SHIT CRAZY.

If you want to see a funny youtube video: Freak-a-holic by Egyptian Lover
"Tell em what I am!"

Day Eight

I feel the anger coming in. It has been a bit consuming. I tried to ignore it, I even tried to push it away, but it is just eating at me. Instead, I am going to try to embrace it in order to perhaps control it a bit. Let's hope it works. Even though I felt as if I was out of the thick of the breakup, I am now believing that it is about to come. It doesn't help that his ex girlfriend left a post on his fb. Yes, I have now become a psycho. At least I am not getting into his fb, which I could. I am trying to not become that psycho. It has just become harder. I made the mistake of looking at pictures of him and I when we were happy. It just makes it worse. Shit I miss him.

I went to a party last night. I am tired of my guy friends rubbing on my legs and trying to hook up with me.

I still can't eat. I am starting to use weed so that I can, but that isn't even working.

Day Seven

Day seven was full of interesting revelations.

Firstly, Mr. X's little sister is like 16 (we will call her Miss). Miss and I have been talking on fb im since I met her a few months into the relationship and through that we have become really good friends. It made the breakup so much harder that I might not be able to be friends with her anymore. Miss fb imed me "hey so um like can we still be friends?". Broke my heart. I told her that I would love to, but that she would have to ask Mr. X. I think that's fair. Luckily he told her it was okay so I am happy about that.

Secondly, I know this is so lame but I was looking at old notes Mr. Y had written me. I realized that I date the same type of people. On the surface Mr. X and Mr. Y are completely different people, but deep down after months of dating THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. They both fell completely in love with me, acted like douchebags, appologized by saying that they love me more than anything, held on as hard as they could when I was ready to leave, and then when I was really invested left me for another step in their life. Great. I am glad that I have made so much progress over three years.

Thirdly, I went to this bar that is popular with my college and got totally hammered. Texted Mr. Y saying that "This place is the place to be on thursdays". UGH. I then shamelessly flirted with one of my guy friend's older brothers. In the middle of the flirting I was even thinking "O this is shameless". Sad, I know. Then this girl came up to talk to him and so I just walked outside. I didn't want to be the annoying girl standing alone at the bar. Just as I am standing there ashamed of myself, he walks outside and turns to me and says "Where did you go?!". Hook line and sinker. :) . We then talked some more and then shamelessly made out the rest of the night. He got my number and texted me a bit the rest of the night. It is just weird that his little brother's house is like my second home. Hmmmm.

Fourthly, I know that this is stupid to complain about, but recently I have had no appetite. Eating a bite of food makes me want to puke. I have lost about 8 lbs in two weeks, which is not healthy. Emotionally, I am pretty fine with being single, happy even, but physically my body is screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!". Yesterday all I had were three mini Ralphs cupcakes and a handful of pasta. I wasn't lying, emotionally I am really happy. Yes, the mornings still stink, but I have never really been just single. I have always been in a relationship or looking for another one since I was 11. It is kind of sad. I am happy to just be alone and not looking for anything. Ideally, Mr. X wouldn't hook up with anyone else and in two years we could just step back into our relationship, but I realize that it isn't realistic. I am just going to enjoy my early 20s and get to know myself.

Fifthly?... I have a pending date. Assuming that bar boy doesn't call me for a date, my first date will be with this guy from home. I am going home in two weeks and it is all very complicated how I got this date, but he was a senior at my high school when I was a freshman. Very scandalous. I always thought that he was so hott in high school so it is perfect. He is tall and muscular and we have only had one date 2 years ago and we did not even kiss so we will see what happens. It is perfect though cause he lives at home, not here so it can't go anywhere and on top of that, I will be staying at home so there is no pressure to go really far sexually. I am pretty excited.

Day Six

FEAR BY DRAKE

Drake talking:
This is why I do this shit.
I think they call this, uhm, venting.

Verse 1:
Look
Uhh.
This is me.
Still the same.
They want the hits.
I play the game.
No auto tune, but you can feel the pain.
It all comes spilling out like i hit a vein.
Watt up lil Braw.
Watt up slum Ville.
I hope you know that yall the reason i have fun still.
The fans thinking that we all signed for one meal.
Equal opportunities rapping, that shit is unreal.
That aint how it works.
That aint that how it goes.
And I been getting high to balance out the lows.
And I could use a writer to balance my flows.
But I never share my thoughts,
This is all a nigga knows.
And every time I try, it opens up my eyes.
These verses are a chance to remembered and reprised.
And I would be performing just as long as Im alive.
So every word I utter will be mine.

: Chorus:
Dont believe the lies.
Look me in my eyes.
Please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me.
I remember you.
This feeling isnt new.
So please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me.
Oh oh oh oh oh uhh.

Verse 2:
I never cried when Pac died.
But I probably will when Hov does.
And if my tears hold value, then i would drop one for every single thing he showed us.
And Ill be standing in a puddle.
I stay away from niggas that could land me in some trouble.
And ima keep it honest.
Am so tired of being subtle.
Its just me, Forty, O, and nich standing in a huddle.
Staring at the members of my team.
Who get questioned about they profit from this 40 million dollar scheme.
Just know that am in debt for you defending all our dreams.
I hope you tell your family this shit aint what it seems.
But yall the reason for a lot of my devotion.
You know I spend money because spending time is hopeless.
And know I pop bottles cuz i bottle my emotions.
At least I put it all in the open.

: Chorus:
Dont believe the lies.
Look me in my eyes.
Please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me.
I remember you.
This feeling isnt new.
So please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me.
oh oh oh oh oh uhh.

Verse 3:
Look.
Fuck all yall.
We ignore villains here.
Premature millionaires.
Welcome to my realest year.
Yeah.
I swear we making a killah here.
I should be on top of the world here just chillen here.
Uh.
But its funny having fans.
Who find you before anybody ever has the chance, and build you up so you could be the biggest in the game.
And realize when your there, sometimes the shit dont feel the same.
Yeah.
And plus things are just so real at home
People think Ive changed just because my appilla grown
And now security follow me everywhere so im never actually am alone, i just always feel alone.
I think im scared of what the future holds.
I was wishing for some things and now am used to those.
Every girl I meet thinks im fucking groupie hoes.
The honesty of my music has left me too exposed.
All my old friends think i got a new crowd.
And people seem to notice every time I do smile.
I guess that mean they come few and far between.
Even though am living out what you would call the dream.
Yeah.
And my uncle aint even messaging me.
And him missing in my life is kind of messing with me.
I hope this isnt one of those forever things.
Its funny how money can change everything.

: Chorus:
Dont believe the lies.
Look me in my eyes.
Please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me.
I remember you.
This feeling isnt new.
So please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me.
oh oh oh oh oh uhh.



I have been listening to this song every morning. It is hard not to. It is not as if I am a rapper, or anything close to it, but some lyrics just hit way too close to home, and overall the beat has a nice sadness to it. It is comforting while still being upset. The chorus is beyond perfect and quotes such as "i pop bottles because i bottle up my emotions. at least i put it all in the open". How could that not represent some aspect of your life? I am putting together a mix tape of songs I want to listen to in my car. I will let you know what they are when I am done. I am compiling songs that I shazam from the radio. I have to say that I am not a huge "music person". I really only listen to music when I am upset because I find it healing, but besides that, I find it boring. I am too ADHD most of the time to just have one media vying for my attention.

I have been having so much homework lately. I hope that I can finish it all. It successfully has been keeping me busy, but I wonder if I should be taking time for myself to just be... and sleep in. Probably not. I have to say, there is something liberating about being single. I had forgotten how fun it was to be independent and only have yourself to laugh to. It might sound stupid, but I am pretty proud of myself. I just wish that the mornings weren't so mourning-ful.

Day Five

Well, once again I have made my own life more difficult.

Before we talk about that: I gave the clothes to Mr. X's friend and had a little chat with him. I tried to stay smiley and pleasant to talk to. I did not say any shit or be sad. You would of never guessed that I was giving back my ex boyfriend's stuff. I wrote a note in it. It just said "If you think that anything is missing let me know. Have fun in LA!" and then I simply signed it. I think that it is nice and accepting of the break up. Except for the fact that I kept one of the shirts. I really wanted to keep this purple one because it is the first shirt that he let me borrow in the morning after sleeping together so it has sentimental value. Unfortunately, he has this shirt with him so i settled for one of his really soft gray shirts. I think that it might of been better that I kept one that wasn't so sentimental. I also have a few of his sweatshirts, but he let me have them because they were too small on him so I am going to keep them. I am also keeping a huge graphic design picture he did when he was a junior. I did not even know him then and I only took it from him because I think it looks cool. Trust me, it is better to have it than to have a huge sad empty area on my wall. I took down pictures of him though, which I think is good. Late tonight he facebook inboxed me "Thank you for giving my friend my stuff". I said "Welcome". It is the only time we have talked since we have broken up.

Now for the bad: I then went out to lunch with an old friend from high school. We were talking about ex boyfriends and I told her about this iphone application that I have. It won't let me drunk dial anyone I put on a list (of course I put Mr. X and then the other ex boyfriend I saw a few days ago, we will call him Mr. Y). I wanted to demonstrate what would happen if you try to call the person on the block list, and what do you know, the application wasn't working. Yes, it called Mr. Y. No he did not answer his phone, thank god, but instead texted me verbatum "Hey whatssssup! Im in class right now".... Really?.... Could my life be anymore ironic? No. It couldn't. Mr. Y, who broke up with me even though I was madly in love with him, wants to hang out now. O great. I texted him back about how I called cause I didn't store whose number it was. He hasn't texted back since but I have a sick feeling that he is going to call me this weekend... O joy.

Advice: I find that keeping busy after you have a break up is good. I was in the darkroom (photography) at school for 3 hours today doing work. That is the most consistent time I have ever spent on school work. Tommorow I have a long day of classes and more homework. I have no time to think anymore and be sad, but I've gotta admit, the mornings are the worst...

I mourn in the mornings. It makes me believe that the reason people sleep in the same bed when they are married is so that they have someone to wake up next to. There is never a time that a person feels more alone than the morning. You wake up from a sad dream; you are sad. You wake up from a happy dream; your real life is not as exciting as the dream and so it makes you sad. It is a lose lose situation. I have found that it is best to go take a shower and then leave your house immediatly. Come back right after if you want so that you can watch tv or eat breakfast, but just leaving and getting a fresh start is nice.

Day Four

I had school. Did I mention that I take a psychology of marriage class? It sucks to have to define love when you have just been broken up with, but it especially sucks to have to go to class and discuss break ups when you have just been broken up with. I learned that it is hopeless to fantasize about getting back together with your ex, in my case, Mr. X, and that it will take at least 6 weeks for me to go through the grieving process.

The Grieving Process:
1. Denial: you try to bribe and persuade the person to get back together with you
2. Grief: you cry and cry and cry
3. Anger: you say mean things about them to your friends
4. Forgiveness: you finally let go and move on

I would like to think that I had finished with denial the day that I told him that I did not want to see him for 3 months, opposed to seeing him this upcoming weekend. I would also like to think that even though I am grieving a bit, that I have jumped to a mixture of grief and forgiveness and bypassed anger all together. I do not want to talk shit about Mr. X because I truly do want to have him back in my life as a friend or whatever at some point. What I especially did not like about the lecture was when she told us that after the grieving process (which is supposed to last 6 weeks, a bit longer than the 3 months until I see him), we will probably never become friends. That made me sad, and I hope that she is not right about that. Hopefully, after I finish the grieving process in 5 1/2 more weeks, I will be ready to see him as just a friend.

What I like least about breaking up is giving the stuff back. I had to call Mr. X's friend who goes to school near me to talk about giving him Mr. X's tshirts that I used to sleep in (I have like 15). It was a very awkward conversation to say the least, but I tried to sound upbeat and happy. It will be wierd to have to give him those things tommorow. Is it completely horrible if I spray them with my perfume that I ALWAYS wear? Doesn't matter, I am going to do it anyways. I don't know if I should write a note or anything. Before tonight's class, I definatly would have, but now I feel that I should move on, and that writing a note would be being in denial. I think that it was good that I called his friend before he could call me about it; it shows that I am considerate and listening to what he said when he told me he wanted to break up. That is right, for the first time, Girl is listening to other people, opposed to doing whatever she wants. I am very proud of myself.

Day Three

Third day of being single. It is getting old.

My mother came to visit me for a movie and dinner. During the movie I spontaneously had the urge to cry at random silly young love moments. So much for improvement. It doesn't help that every night I have a dream about him. Last night I had sextuplets with him, weird I know. Went to another party tonight and hung out with a guy that I had casually hookedup with a year ago (before Mr. X was Mr. My Boy). We stayed close friends afterward and are still good friends now, thanks to my stealth in pretending that he doesn't drunkenly attempt to booty call me most nights. I don't answer; we don't talk about it. It is weird to think that he might of ended up being my boyfriend if things had gone differently. Needless to say, I prefer him as a friend. He is much more fun as a flirty distraction with no strings (or lips) attached.

I have decided that I rather look, not touch, attractive guys... for the time being.

Day One and Day Two

So I just have been broken up with by the man who I am in love with. Now I didn't get broken up with because there was a lack of love, or even a disagreement. I got broken up with because the new middle life crisis age is 23. Since we also live far apart and haven't seen eachother in a month, we have decided to break up and get together for a dinner in 3 months. Until then, I am without boyfriend and best friend, and will have to brave it out on my own.

First night out as a single lady

Advice: When being broken up with a girl might have the urge to try a new drug that she hasn't done in a year. While it sounds like a good idea and very Sex and the City "this day will instead be known as the day that i got arrested for smoking a doobie", it is not. Instead of feeling more relaxed or party happy by choice of drug that will remain nameless, I freaked out and believed that I might be on the verge of an overdose. (I am an idiot). I then thought that it would be a brilliant idea to text my symptoms to my ex, now going to be refered to as "Mr. X" (very arrested development). I then an hour later came to my senses and texted him that I was fine and sorry for bothering him. Needless to say, Mr. X never called or texted back. Probably was a bad idea to text him that I was doing too many drugs on the night of our breakup.

Second night out as a single lady

I was feeling really out of it after the possible overdose, but I had promised a friend that I would go to his birthday party which was at a club that he and his roomate rented out. I decided to just throw on some clothes and go with my roomate last second, only to keep up with friendships. I thought, "O okay, I will just got for an hour get a picture or two taken to show I was there and just leave". I was so wrong. I get to the party and go to the VIP section upstairs and get a drink. I start talking to my friends that were there and then all the sudden out of the corner of my eye I see an old ex boyfriend. Before Mr. X, this ex boyfriend was THE ex boyfriend. We dated two years ago and really hadn't talked since. He had broken my heart, and as revenge whenever I would get drunk I would tell people who knew him that he was bad in the sac (he was, so at least it wasnt a lie). Some of the people I had told this to were even at the party with him. My knees literally started to shake. To my horror when up in the VIP section he walked past me and made eye contact. I thought "O okay I will just say 'Hi' and then he will leave". Nope. He stayed to talk with me FOREVER. He was acting all nervous and strange. It was kind of nice to see him all tense because it made me alot more calm. He kept asking if I liked to party. It was wierd and I really didn't put together what he meant until later. He got my number, said a string of odd things, and I am now completely mind fucked. Figured out later that he was asking me if I wanted to do coke with him, which I didnt, but he successfully ended the evening by saying that it was wierd that he wouldnt see me for months... Um then why ask for my number? The whole night just made me miss Mr. X more and made me realize that I do not want to see him in two years and have him ask me for coke. Why God why must the second day of single life include a visit from the ex boyfriend who I havent seen in two years? Ridiculous.