Day Nine

I got drunk again. How different for a Saturday night. I partied at one of my friend's house and then somehow ended up at the house of the guy that I kissed at the bar. We will call him Barfly. Barfly and I watched movies until about 6 am. I then proceeded to fall asleep on his shoulder. A few hours later he woke me up and we slept side by side on his couch. We never kissed or did anything sexual. All we did was PG spoon and the most risque it got was that he put his hand on my stomach. Right in the middle of it too, not up top and not near south of the border. It was nice just to lay with someone and then to wake up to someone who wanted to sleep next to me. At the end, Mr. X didn't want to go to sleep next to me. He didn't want to hold me close and find comfort in our bodies touching. It was a huge sign that I pretended not to notice. In the beginning of our relationship he would pull me as close as possible and then in the end he rather sleep on the floor than sleep in the bed with me. It was just nice to be wanted for the first time in months. It is just so sad that I was dating someone who didn't find it necessary to lay next to me.

That night Barfly and I also played pool against each other, and you know what? He knocked my ball in if I came close, he gave me more turns, and he tried to coach me. Have I been dating a barbarian or aren't guys supposed to be competitive and try to beat you when you are playing a game against each other? It was sweet. I love how now the littlest things are impressive to me.

I always find it so strange when you go to sleep and your dream actually opens your eyes to a truth in your life. In my dream I was in the airport because Mr. X said he was going to come and visit me. I was looking and looking for him there and he called me hours later saying that he didn't feel like coming to visit me so he didn't get on the plane. It is kind of true to the end of our relationship. He never wanted to plan to see me. I was the last person that he took into consideration. Wow, when did that change? When did he go from wanting to be with me all the time to being annoyed by me calling him? I just never saw the transition and now I really wish that I had.

I don't want to portray Mr. X as a bad person because he is not. I also don't want to make excuses for him, but our relationship was both of our responsibility. I should of taken responsibility for my own relationship and my own life. The fact that it took me another man to want to cuddle with me to see the way my own life was flawed just shows that I was so out of touch with reality.

I think they call this growing up.

Speaking of growing up, I am obsessed with WEtv. At this moment I am watching Bridezillas and these bitches are crazy. She gets so angry at her fiance that she farts on him. Really? She is getting married and I am getting dumped. This woman is crazy. She talks like a baby and makes her wedding party go easter egg hunting. BAT SHIT CRAZY.

If you want to see a funny youtube video: Freak-a-holic by Egyptian Lover
"Tell em what I am!"